To my dear Isaac I miss you so much my little one. I’d have done anything to save you. I would have cut out my own heart if it would have given you a chance at life. I watched you tire and weaken. You desperately tried to stay with us. We desperately wanted you to live, but asked you to rest. Our brave little boy. I’m so angry that the doctors couldn’t do anything. I can’t believe they can do so much, but they couldn’t replace such a tiny stupid tube! I can’t believe I couldn’t make you a proper fucking tube. I failed you. I should have been able to protect you and fix you. You looked to me with an innocent gaze, silently acknowledging me as your special person, but I wasn’t. I was, I am, and I’d have stayed so proud of you. You were gorgeous, and gorgeous you would have continued to be. With your daddy’s looks and your intelligent expressions, I would have loved our games and chats. You big sister Georgia proudly teaching you and showing you off, your big brother Jacob sharing his toys and playing games together, and your twin Madison bossing you around and snuggling. You’re daddy patiently showing you the world, and teaching you how to be an amazing person. I’m struggling with losing you my boy. I feel so raw, so weak, and such a failure. I try to keep going for my other amazing and beautiful children, but I feel a little empty. I am lucky to have an amazing family, fabulous friends, a job I love, and a beautiful home…. But I miss you so so very much, and nothing will change that. I’m angry for you that you missed so much, the feel of the sun on your face, the grass under your feet, your birthdays, Christmas, and your own children. It’s not fair. I will love you always and forever, and your death will never change that. Love from Mummy X